I'm okay, but I'm not okay

Let me just go ahead and say it, last week was terrible. I will not divulge the details of my week's experience, but it has left me emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. This exhaustion, suprisingly not pointless, has helped me in some ways see that even though I'm not "okay", I am "okay".

Here I am approaching my 30th birthday and only now feel like I'm finally growing. I am finally opening my eyes to the truths God has been trying to teach me all along. Unfortunately, it takes walking through the fire to see that when you come out you may be burned, but you are not scarred. I hate walking through the fire, I hate crying, I hate the pain it leaves me with; I hate knowing that it helps me grow and is therefore necessary.


For years I've experienced the same kind of disappointment. My past is a history of repeated trials that seemingly never change. For too long I've let my circumstances dictate my emotions, my beliefs, and my attitude. I'm embarrassed about the way I've acted, yet somehow I continued to make the same mistakes. I've cried out to God, prayed for answers and always felt a silence in response. I don't understand why the same thing keeps happening to me. I don't understand a lot of things. One thing I do understand is that I'm a confused girl. More than one recent experience has led me to this state. But, this time I feel I've grown.


These are the lies I've listened to:
No one wants you.
You aren't captivating enough.
You're alone.
You will never get married.
Your desires don't matter.
No one wants to be like you (not a good role model).


In previous years, I would have been led to bitterness, resentment, anger, and self-pity. I'm choosing this time to not abandon God in the process, but to worship Him. I still may not understand why things happen to me. I'm still confused, but I now know how to combat those lies with the truth. God's word teaches me that the Lord satisfies all of those things and there is no need for me to make myself miserable. He has been my shelter, my comfort, my rock and He is just so incredibly amazing. Everyday I am thankful for his patience with me, that He sees and understands my pain, and that He genuinely cares. Besides, this life is not about me.


Here are the truths I've come to cherish:
The Lord wants me.
I'm never alone.
The Lord is captivating me.
I don't know if I'll get married, but I don't have to put an absolute on it.
My desires matter and more importantly I want to embrace the Lord's desires.


To be honest, I'm still confused about a particular situation. I'm still incredibly confused and desperately seeking some answers. I am so confused I don't know what to do with myself, and I'm SAD. But, I'm okay - so you see I'm not okay, but I am okay. Part of that peace comes from having friends who encourage me, speak truth to me, love me and listen to my cries.

So, I end with this:
My prayer is that I would carry this season of my life with grace. My prayer is that, though I was vague,this honesty can help someone else out with their struggles. My prayer is that you would choose God in the midst of the fire and not walk away.

The Year of the Bearcat - First Two Weeks

The aroma of cinnamon and spice lingers in the air as I grab the nearest cardigan before I go out for a walk in the nice crisp air of September. Wait a second, it smells like sweat, humidity is making my hair frizz and poof, and I grabbing the nearest pair of shorts for my walk. What happened to the flavors of Fall? I think I was just dreaming or wishfully thinking of what it might be like now that school has started. With the beginning of school I am always reminded of Fall, yet Fall isn't quite here. But I'm not here to talk about the weather, I'm here to talk about school. This year I am teaching at Ruston High School, a place of great professional development, helpful and encouraging co-workers, and bright students. I think I was more excited to be at school with my annotation stations at the ready than my kids. All 130 of my eleventh grade students came shuffling into room 228 either sleepy-eyed, or ready to cause to trouble. It was a week of rules, routines, and procedures and by the end of it I was exhausted. In a mere five days I went from laying by the pool, being the "cool" adult to hang out with to the old lady with no life. Bed time comes early now, and I don't get to do many things socially. It doesn't matter though because in that week I remembered why I teach - I love the kids. Every single one of them. Well, I think our times of ease have now disappeared as the second week has come to a close. My poor students just stared at me everyday as I basically threw up information on them about the Declaration of Independence (our first read of the year). Their blank stares and lack of involvement in the groups told me it is time to slow down. So, I tried to take it a step back and BAM! Hurricane Issac ruined all my plans. He came with all his rain and wind, soaking up our grounds, turning off our power and forcing our kids to stay home from school. That stupid hurricane pushed back my assignments and for the first time in years I actually wanted to be in school. But hurricanes don't care about stuff like that. By Friday the hurricane had diminished, but school spirit had not. The students at Ruston High were awakened (because you know they were still sleeping in the halls when they got to school) by the drum line going up and down the halls playing music signaling football season has begun and no rain will stop us. The changing of classes brought the melody "eye of the tiger" over the loudspeaker and I may or may not have danced a bit in the classroom waiting for students to arrive. The kids were excited, the pep rally was krunk and despite the bouts of rain the football game went on as planned. Standing by the band and my pom squad girls, friday night, I knew it was going to be a great year... the year of the Bearcat. Tomorrow I might be singing a different tune when I tell my students they have to annotate the Declaration of Independence

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