Life

Living by myself for a couple of years has left me too introspective. I'm not even sure that I should let the digital world know my thoughts, but with no one else around I feel I am left with no choice. I look at this poor recapturing of a picture hanging in my office (compliments of Jason Howell) and I see me. Of course, literately it is me, but I mean the person I am inside too. This picture, I feel, captures the very essence of how I see myself, and believe shows my personality. I love to laugh, I love playing with children in the Bronx, I love goofing off, dancing, and sharing the words of Jesus to others. I am young at heart and I just love people. I feel in the last couple of months I've lost that part of me. I don't feel quite so happy on the inside and find myself crying - a lot. I feel as if I am living vicariously through song lyrics. To echo the words of Adele,I am "chasing pavements". I make the same mistakes, fall for the wrong guys, and let my job consume me. These days, as John Mayer sings, I am "dreaming with a broken heart" and it is not fun. I keep staring at that picture hoping to get that girl back, but it's useless. Though I am broken hearted, watching my dream fly through the window, I am reminded that I am not alone. I have a wealth of family and friends that support me. My parents and siblings are a constant source of encouragement and wisdom. Elizabeth T. is my jiminy cricket, The Fosters, Stones, and Emily Kessler have all poured a large of amount of love my way. I guess I want to take this time out and say I'm sorry for being so consumed with my own troubles that I neglect to hurt with others, to look beyond myself. I am so tired of fighting this fight. I am so tired of being confused and watching my dream go somewhere else. I want to find that girl in the picture again.

I'm okay, but I'm not okay

Let me just go ahead and say it, last week was terrible. I will not divulge the details of my week's experience, but it has left me emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. This exhaustion, suprisingly not pointless, has helped me in some ways see that even though I'm not "okay", I am "okay".

Here I am approaching my 30th birthday and only now feel like I'm finally growing. I am finally opening my eyes to the truths God has been trying to teach me all along. Unfortunately, it takes walking through the fire to see that when you come out you may be burned, but you are not scarred. I hate walking through the fire, I hate crying, I hate the pain it leaves me with; I hate knowing that it helps me grow and is therefore necessary.


For years I've experienced the same kind of disappointment. My past is a history of repeated trials that seemingly never change. For too long I've let my circumstances dictate my emotions, my beliefs, and my attitude. I'm embarrassed about the way I've acted, yet somehow I continued to make the same mistakes. I've cried out to God, prayed for answers and always felt a silence in response. I don't understand why the same thing keeps happening to me. I don't understand a lot of things. One thing I do understand is that I'm a confused girl. More than one recent experience has led me to this state. But, this time I feel I've grown.


These are the lies I've listened to:
No one wants you.
You aren't captivating enough.
You're alone.
You will never get married.
Your desires don't matter.
No one wants to be like you (not a good role model).


In previous years, I would have been led to bitterness, resentment, anger, and self-pity. I'm choosing this time to not abandon God in the process, but to worship Him. I still may not understand why things happen to me. I'm still confused, but I now know how to combat those lies with the truth. God's word teaches me that the Lord satisfies all of those things and there is no need for me to make myself miserable. He has been my shelter, my comfort, my rock and He is just so incredibly amazing. Everyday I am thankful for his patience with me, that He sees and understands my pain, and that He genuinely cares. Besides, this life is not about me.


Here are the truths I've come to cherish:
The Lord wants me.
I'm never alone.
The Lord is captivating me.
I don't know if I'll get married, but I don't have to put an absolute on it.
My desires matter and more importantly I want to embrace the Lord's desires.


To be honest, I'm still confused about a particular situation. I'm still incredibly confused and desperately seeking some answers. I am so confused I don't know what to do with myself, and I'm SAD. But, I'm okay - so you see I'm not okay, but I am okay. Part of that peace comes from having friends who encourage me, speak truth to me, love me and listen to my cries.

So, I end with this:
My prayer is that I would carry this season of my life with grace. My prayer is that, though I was vague,this honesty can help someone else out with their struggles. My prayer is that you would choose God in the midst of the fire and not walk away.

The Year of the Bearcat - First Two Weeks

The aroma of cinnamon and spice lingers in the air as I grab the nearest cardigan before I go out for a walk in the nice crisp air of September. Wait a second, it smells like sweat, humidity is making my hair frizz and poof, and I grabbing the nearest pair of shorts for my walk. What happened to the flavors of Fall? I think I was just dreaming or wishfully thinking of what it might be like now that school has started. With the beginning of school I am always reminded of Fall, yet Fall isn't quite here. But I'm not here to talk about the weather, I'm here to talk about school. This year I am teaching at Ruston High School, a place of great professional development, helpful and encouraging co-workers, and bright students. I think I was more excited to be at school with my annotation stations at the ready than my kids. All 130 of my eleventh grade students came shuffling into room 228 either sleepy-eyed, or ready to cause to trouble. It was a week of rules, routines, and procedures and by the end of it I was exhausted. In a mere five days I went from laying by the pool, being the "cool" adult to hang out with to the old lady with no life. Bed time comes early now, and I don't get to do many things socially. It doesn't matter though because in that week I remembered why I teach - I love the kids. Every single one of them. Well, I think our times of ease have now disappeared as the second week has come to a close. My poor students just stared at me everyday as I basically threw up information on them about the Declaration of Independence (our first read of the year). Their blank stares and lack of involvement in the groups told me it is time to slow down. So, I tried to take it a step back and BAM! Hurricane Issac ruined all my plans. He came with all his rain and wind, soaking up our grounds, turning off our power and forcing our kids to stay home from school. That stupid hurricane pushed back my assignments and for the first time in years I actually wanted to be in school. But hurricanes don't care about stuff like that. By Friday the hurricane had diminished, but school spirit had not. The students at Ruston High were awakened (because you know they were still sleeping in the halls when they got to school) by the drum line going up and down the halls playing music signaling football season has begun and no rain will stop us. The changing of classes brought the melody "eye of the tiger" over the loudspeaker and I may or may not have danced a bit in the classroom waiting for students to arrive. The kids were excited, the pep rally was krunk and despite the bouts of rain the football game went on as planned. Standing by the band and my pom squad girls, friday night, I knew it was going to be a great year... the year of the Bearcat. Tomorrow I might be singing a different tune when I tell my students they have to annotate the Declaration of Independence

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Spring Time!

Oh, Blog it has been so long since I have typed my thoughts! I think the new spring weather has given me inspiration to carry on in my writing endeavors.

I was looking through my old journal entries today and came across one that matched by delight in anticipation of new springtime adventures. Every time I travel, during this season, I find many vehicles with canoes strapped on top and I become jealous. Jealous for the adventure of what spring/summer holds. So, in my mind I write the adventurer a letter...

Dear Jeep Cherokee with the canoe on your roof,
You are so cool. You probably didn't notice me on the road, but I was the curly, brown headed girl in the bluish grey Versa belting out the words to "Play that Funky Music White Boy." You might have seen me, and chuckled at my silly behavior. Whatever the case may be, we travel the same interstate. You have not escaped my notice, and though our destinations may be different, I wonder....what adventure lies ahead?"

So, here I am daydreaming about adventure, when there are multiple stacks of paper to grade. Papers or no papers, I love this weather and so what do I do? I take Shakespeare to the park. The sun on my skin, the breeze in my hair gives me a little happiness and I feel renewed. I think that if Shakespeare was really with me he would agree with my mood and he would recite his sonnet, "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?/ Thou art more lovely and more temperate." He knew the summer was beautiful, so I take him to the park.

Words

Overwhelmed, stressed, pulled, stretched, and worn out are words that would enter my mind and body and just stay there festering as if to plant themselves inside me for a long period of time. "Just survive, Dana", "you are a new teacher, all you can do is just take one day at a time and hope for the best." Words, too many words, none of them meaning anything but sadness. I spent the last few months discouraged. Yes, as a new teacher I am just trying to survive and feel like I'm not doing a very good job at it. No matter the lesson plan I felt like, again, words would circulate the air around me - hit the wall - and fall flat on the floor. It was not only in the classroom. I felt disconnected from friends, as if none of my words that formed into stories were clever enough, relate able enough, wise enough. In my prayers, again, my words felt like they hit the ceiling then fell back to the ground. At home, I would want to talk - let the words loose to fly free and land in someone else's ears to return to me with advice or at least have a landing place, other than the floor. But at home, there is no one. It is a place devoid of words and the silence eats me alive sometimes.

"Dana, you are feeling sorry for yourself." "You are too hard on yourself." I know, I know. All, I can say in response to this battle with words is that it is honestly how I feel, or well felt. Do I want to walk around with a rain cloud over my head? No! So, things are going to change. I don't know how, but I'm going to try.

CHILD OF GOD's!!!!! So, through HIM you are all of those things... STRONG, MIGHTY, POWERFUL, ANNOINTED, KIND, BRAVE. These are the words that I want to fill my mind and body with, especially the Brave part. Being strong is one thing I have never considered myself. The word itself gives a connotation of greatness. I want to feel connected again, I don't want silence to slowly degrade me. So, thanks to my friend Jenny, a suggestion to surround myself with little bits of happiness in the hopes of reminding me who I really am, has opened the door to better thoughts. Today's happiness - little Elvine. Elvine is my compassion child. Her picture is posted on my refrigerator and even though I do not know her, I love her. Just seeing her picture makes me smile. Still there is silence, but I'm finding some joy in it.

Here is the simple truth.... Life is hard, but God is good and He brings those bits of happiness to my heart. So, I open my mind, body and heart in preparation to hear words of hope, happiness, and joy.

Never Underestimate the Power of a Lazy Saturday

(pictured: first day of school )

It has been two weeks now since I started my new job as a tenth grade teacher of English Literature. Tired does not even begin to describe the state my body has been in after grueling hours spent in a high school, with about a hundred teenagers who didn't want to be there. I've gone through locker wars with another teacher, gone on scavenger hunts, around school, for technology to use in my classroom and have already written six referrals on students for discipline. Thankful for this job, I endure these small issues with a smile, slightly hoping school life will calm down, just a bit, in the weeks to come. It only took eight days for all of this to happen .... I wonder how the next 8 will play out.
With only six hours of sleep each night, for the past two weeks, I welcomed this Saturday with more time in bed. Since starting my new job, sleeping in means waking up at 8am feeling quite rested, but also means staying in my PJs until noon. Around 10 o'clock this morning I had already caught up on the shows I had missed during the week, by watching them online, so I made myself a ham and cheese omelet complete with a mug of starbucks coffee to warm my insides. Ahh, the bliss of drinking a warm cup of coffee, flavored with a pinch of hazelnut and a dash of cream, just makes the day better. The ring of my phone shook me away from my daydream, but transferred me into girl talk with one of best friends, Tara. It was in the middle of our catch up time that I was caught by surprise. My friend, a marine who is fighting in Afghanistan, was on the other line. With a quick switch from girl talk I gladly entered into marine talk. It had been months since I'd talked to this particular friend, and just hearing his voice made it seem like he wasn't so far away, in a war zone - a different world, sometimes feeling like a different planet.
(pictured: me and Tara )

It wasn't until 1 o'clock that I was actually able to step away from the phone and finally take a shower. I think I still had school grim on me from the previous day at work; my face was so oily my glasses kept sliding off my nose, my feet had a peculiar smell, and I think I actually heard the shower beg me to enter in and wash it all away. Delighted at the grim being gone from my body, I followed the smell of jasmine mixing with water through the room and felt inspired to clean the rest of the house. The couch even got cleaned. I even took a couple of breaks in my cleaning to swing my hips and tap my foot to the melodies coming from my ipod. It was a good day.
It's 5 o'clock now and I am sipping on a pineapple, raspberry smoothie waiting for 7 o'clock to arrive so that I can visit with my friend Tara. The girl talk on the phone earlier transpired into scheduling a girl visit time this evening filled with crafts and cookies. So, here I am - happy to be lazy, glad it's Saturday, anxiously awaiting time spent with friends. Never underestimate the power of a lazy Saturday, it will do wonders to your soul.

Day 2

June 12, 2010 - Day 2 of my journey to Africa (remember these are journal entries so the writing is a bit choppy and rough)

Last night's flight from Detroit to Amsterdam was miserable. The seats were squished, my back hurt so badly the whole seven hours I was in the air and I think I got one whole hour of sleep. Before the flight began, I met a man and his wife who were heading to Turkey. They were really nice and when I woke up from my one hour of rest they had saved some breakfast for me.
I wasn't very hungry though, I had been traveling non-stop since 11:15 yesterday morning and somewhere in the middle of it lost eight hours from time changes. My adventurous spirit has been crushed. I think I am so tired I can't think straight or focus on anything.
In Amsterdam I was thankful to walk around the airport for exercise... you know stretch the legs, straighten the back all the while looking for burnt orange T-Shirts that displayed the words "Share International". It was our one identifying symbol, I could just hear Sammy's parting advice - "you'll met the team in Amsterdam, you'll recognize them by their orange T-Shirts" echoing in my head. He was right. I met up with the rest of the team and became suddenly sad that I was the only one who didn't know anyone else. The rest of the team all knew each other and I began to feel like an outsider.
Note to self: Traveling by yourself is fun for the first two hours, then it becomes lonely and boring.
I think the weariness in my bones is affecting my thought process - must get rest soon.
So here I was with my teammates Dr. Rebecca, Renee, Mary and Gary Boswell, Tina, Peggy and Terry ready to go through security and board the plane. Renee and I are the youngest by about 11 years or so.
Going through security in Amsterdam was another not so fun thing. I felt like I had been violated as the security lady felt me, and searched me for the non-existent metal on my body. Too close for comfort if you ask me.
The plane to Kenya was quite large, it was the yacht of planes for the air instead of the sea. I had never seen such a big plane - it had stairs inside leading to an upper deck. Who knew something so big could fly? I think the Wright brothers would be impressed. I felt like a wide-eyed little girl who had stepped into a city for the first time. I sat next to a young man, about my age, headed to the World Cup. He's from Baltimore and second generation Ghana. He was cool, doesn't like flying though, so I was a bit chatty with him to ease his mind - or at least get it off the fact that he was in the air. I sometimes wonder what people think about me when I first meet them - especially on trips like this with only a plane ride of conversation. Do they think I am a quiet girl? a missionary kid? a nerdy wanna be teacher?a train wreck? Whatever the case, I don't think they can truly know the real me from a plane ride. Especially a plane ride in which you have had no sleep in the past 12 hours and have been flying nonstop the day before. Yes, I know - bitterness.
Well I do have 8 hours to go on this flight, I hope to get some sleep, I am so exhausted already - it's 10:45 am here and 2:45pm at home so that explains alot. Wait - did I take my malaria medicine today? Blasted time changes.
7:25pm - landing in Narobi! The big plane provided great sleeping time. I slept for about 5 1/2 hours if the flight - though I must admit I'm sure I looked funny moving around for my back pain trying to fit just right in the seat (stupid scoliosis). I know I slept with my mouth open for a bit. Let's just say I don't look pretty when I sleep.
Customs, thank the Lord was not a problem and seeing Sammy's face was a huge relief. We quickly packed into vans and were introduced to the bumpy roads of Africa. In Narobi, Korat to be exact, we received our room assignments, watched a bit of the world cup and then headed to bed. Renee and I will be roommates for the entire journey and I'm glad. She is a really sweet girl.